![]() Hell, you already said she has chlamydia. Also, let’s just let Danni have a cigarette. ![]() The funny thing is that Danni denies having smoked since they arrived as two packs of Parliaments are shown on the table beside her. This is clearly some classist insult from the same woman who was indignant about being called “white trash” in the previous episode. Meanwhile, Madison responds to a rightfully upset Danni by insulting her for smoking menthols. Austen plays dumb about the STD allegations, but then confesses to the camera that he shouldn’t have gossiped with Madison. Or, did anybody play a tree or a shrub in Hamlet?Īnyway, Austen is upset that Madison let the chlamydia out of the bag. Danni is kind of the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of Southern Charm. Nothing.ĭanni, the quintessential bystander, asks why the hell Madison would pull her into all this. I don’t know what this has to do with Austen. Īfter some verbal sparring, Madison alleges that Shep gave Danni chlamydia. They might as well play that loud siren noise from Kill Bill. As soon as I hear those little sticks start clacking together and the hiss of some maracas, I know something bad is about to happen. I know this because the Southern Charm producer’s bring out the tense claves music. Yes, the guy who willingly stays in an isolated cabin with a group of people who despise each other and are consuming copious amounts of drugs and alcohol is concerned about mountain lions.Īs the gang prepares to leave Colorado, Shep and Madison enter into a conversation about Austen that is going to end in a dumpster fire. Apparently, Craig is very worried about the local puma population. Southern Charm continues to lead the way in how withholding a reality program can be.Īs we gear up for an eventual blowup between Madison and Austen, Craig spends the ride back to the cabin naming all the dangerous mammals in the area like he’s some mix between Rain Man and Bear Grylls. What!? Did we know this? Way to bury the lede on that one, TV show producers. That’s when he tells the camera that Madison has a child. After a close study of the areolas in question, I can say that they are smaller than average, but behind them lies the heart of a lion.Ĭlad in a stranger’s discarded bathing suit, Austen tries to have a serious discussion with Madison about rekindling their relationship. This allows for a close examination of said nips. Since every advanced screener for Southern Charm comes with the production details for each episode, I know that this scene was filmed in a 16:9 aspect ratio, full frame, and presented in 1080p. Since I am a real journalist, I decided to get to the bottom of analyzing Craig’s nipples. This includes the guys having to borrow some bathing suits from the “loaner bin” and everyone scrutinizing Craig’s so-called tiny nipples. While Whitney and Cameran make a speedy getaway back to Charleston, the rest of the gang goes to enjoy the local hot springs. Apparently, her mother’s advice was “Always sleep naked.” In contrast, my mother, a usually nude woman, always warned that “Those lust demons will get you” and “Eating over the pot will make your boobs bigger.” This advice has guided me well. Madison says they did not, despite the fact that she awoke topless. Since breakfast is the time when we discuss intercourse, Shep asks Austen and Madison if they went coit the night before. ![]() Where’s Eliza, Don? Did she lose track of time while telling strangers how difficult it is to be part of her prestigious family? Did she wander out into the snow and turn to dust like Melisandre on Game of Thrones? Was a yeti involved? Don! I need answers. Don then immediately gives up the search for Eliza so that he can do some tidying up. For some reason Don pauses to ask them what they want for breakfast. He eventually stumbles into Austen’s room to find Austen and his ex-girlfriend Madison under the covers. Don stalks through the cabin, wading through piles of empty beer cans and wine bottles, calling out for Eliza. My hopes rise that this show has actually been a slow-burn horror story all along. Eliza’s boyfriend, whose last name would probably be Beige if that word wasn’t so French and exotic, awakes to find his lady is missing from bed. We start things off with our cast still in Colorado. Just like the cast of Southern Charm get entangled in the repercussions of their own drunken escapades. Otherwise fish and ducks get all caught up in them. ![]() If there is one gift I can ask of you, it’s to please cut up your plastic six-pack rings. Mortality aside, it may be my birthday, but it is you who are receiving a present - in the form of another Southern Charm recap. Yes, I keep writing these articles, and my hands keep looking more like my grandfather’s. This week’s episode happens to fall on my birthday.
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